Oh man it’s been a tough week. I understand that every parent has them, but man-oh-man I had hoped my precious little girl would be different. It’s been the solid gold week of “I don’t care about you Mommy.” Not simply the “I don’t care about you”, but the “I won’t listen to you, I will try to hurt your feelings over-and-over, and I will smile while doing it to show you I really do not care about you” all freaking week. Does anything hurt more than your child hurting you? I think not.
I mean, I love my baby. L-O-V-E her. None of you other mothers can possibly understand. You certainly do not love your child/children as much. That is why your children do not worship the ground you walk on. See, I exist to make her happy. I worry about her well being, take care of her, and think about her morning, noon, and night. I wash her clothes and buy her new ones when she outgrows the old ones. I make sure she is well fed and buy her the special snacks and treats that she likes most. I wake up every-single-night to cover her back up and calm her when she’s had a bad dream. I buy Valentines and help her write her name. I plan birthdays a year in advance and Christmas, too! I kiss all of her boo-boos and make everything better. If she says jump, I often find myself jumping. I’m trying to think of something I have not or would not do for her. It’s a give and take relationship. I give and she takes. So obviously she will love me because I am the best mother in the world and she will feel compelled to love me deeply for the rest of her life, right?
What’s that?
What did I hear all of you other mothers collectively say?
Wait…did I hear you correctly?
You mean…we all do this?
You mean…it’s not your fault that your child snubs you and turns his or her nose at your love and affection?
You mean…this is universally what it means to be a mother?
I am truly shocked!
Tongue-in-cheek aside I walked about this week like I’d been kicked in the heart, while my little one kept finding new ways to kick me harder. By Wednesday night, after putting her to bed early for the fifth night in a row because of her behavior, I had to excuse myself and go hide in my bedroom. In there, I fell on the ground moaning and crying so hard and loud that, at one point, I wondered whose voice I was hearing. I imagined Mason running to hide. I imagined myself running and hiding. I imagined Clare smiling in her bed enjoying the whole scene.
“JESUS!” I cried out, “Please, help me.”
It is my experience that Jesus kind of does and kind of doesn’t help in these situations. It depends on my definition of help. I want the cool, sparkly, fairy-wand help. I want a fairy godmother to come and make everything bloom and give me a beautiful dress to wear and send me to the ball with a catchy song. I want some giant hand to come and pat my back and wipe my tears and tell me it’ll all be ok. I don’t want to be the mommy for a minute. I need my God, my heavenly father, to help me. I want my baby to need me. I want my baby to love me. I want this week to be over. None of these happen while I’m crying. So, I cry louder and longer.
Jesus isn’t Disney.
He’s a listener and a whisperer.
After awhile I collected myself, went back into her bedroom, turned on her light, and gently asked her to sit next to me. I pulled her tiny little body as close to my tired and hurting heart as I could. With all of the love I am capable of, I told her that I didn’t care if she loved me or not, that I loved her and I always would love her no matter what. I promised her that she could never do anything to make me not love her. Even as I said those words, I knew she would make me prove them over and over in our life together. I guess she needed to know that because all of the ugly stopped and she was my baby again. I mean it came to a complete stop.
Thank you for that little call to action, Jesus. You whispered just the right words and gave me just the right answer even if there weren’t any magical sparkles, a dress, a ball and a catchy song to go with it. Thanks for being plain old Jesus for me.
Jeremiah 33:3
Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.