I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted pay checks.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, Notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
(It's perfectly ok to laugh at silly little sayings that belong on bumper stickers. Enjoy)