What Now?

I sit in the dark of the morning and wonder silently through all of the 'whats' that are 'now'. My mind twists over options, realities, imaginary ideas of what life will be like if this or that, and I grow confused and frustrated, and lash out at the ones I love. I cry out to God in anger and frustration, or in my heartbreak, because I know the only thing that will relieve me is going back to Him and peacefully settling into prayer and the Word. In my prayers, I have never heard a no or a yes about anything; I have only ever received a gentle reminder that God knows all, and as his child, I am promised that he loves me more than I can ever imagine. His answers to me are always simple in that I all must do is what He asks me to do to become more like Christ. I hear him whisper to me words of comfort and patience. I never feel condemned by Him even though I should feel like the trash I am always afraid that I am to others. But not God, His mercy and grace flow freely, and I am the undeserving recipient. I weep loudly because it isn't easy to wait. I weep loudly because it isn't easy to endure heart ache or heart break. I weep like a child who doesn't get her way and I lash out at the ones I love some more because I do not know how to handle everything. I do not go back into the Word. I quit praying. I turn around and stick my fingers in my ears and close my eyes and continue to walk blindly down dangerous roads with my patient creator at my side letting me trip and fall at my own insistence, but never alone. All the while, He tenderly whispers of His love and continues to be right beside me. Again, like a child, I get scared and come back and He is there waiting with unending patience for the day when I come to understand that it truly is His will and not mine that will bring me peace.

I do not know what today will bring and I never will. I know this fact irritates me because I wish to be in control. I do not know how all of the sticks that I have dumped on the ground will become a safe and sturdy bridge. I do not know how to get to the other side of the rivers I meet in my life. What I do know is that there are rivers and bridges and other sides. I know that if God means for me to cross it, I will and there will be no end to the blessings and peace that go with me and to those that I encounter along the way. I know that if I try to control the process without Him, then my bridges will be unsafe, my passing treacherous, and hurt will follow me.

So, I pray for safe passage, lean on the Word of God to mold me into the person that I know God wants me to be, and hope that one day everything will be revealed to me when I am the right person to enjoy, honor, and appreciate the gifts that lay ahead of me.

Always