Friday night I had one of my first MAJOR parenting scares. It was during a toy shopping trip at Target with Clare. She decided that it would be fun to run from Mommy in the children's clothing section. Usually I can keep up with her, but for some reason Friday night she was on her game and even in a full sprint, I still couldn't catch her before she unexpectedly turned up another aisle. I reached the spot where she turned expecting to see her continuing her run toward the toys, but she wasn't there. Panic immediately gripped me. My eyes darted to the right and left. Nothing. The blood rushed to my head and I felt light and dizzy. I started calling her name, but heard nothing. I continued to call her name, now yelling, each iteration getting louder and louder. People started looking at me. I yelled, "I can't find my daughter". My chest hurt - it felt like someone was sitting on it.
"Where is she?" I hissed at myself. "Where did she go?"
I lowered my body and started looking up underneath the racks of clothing, first to the left and then to the right. I was shaking violently.
"Oh God, I've lost her. I've lost her and someone is going to steal her and hurt her and I've got to find her, where is she, where is she, where is she."
tick...tock...tick...tock
Finally, I stopped myself and literally said out loud, "Calm down, think, think Lael" It was then that I looked up and saw the most beautiful little smile. She was so proud that she had hidden from Mommy. She was playing a game and had won with little idea of the emotional havoc she had moments before wreaked on me. Her only hint that all was not well were the tears in Mommy's eyes as I scooped her up and held her close. I was trembling so hard that I didn't think I could stand. Once the calm of finding her passed, a wave is anger passed over me and I growled into her ear, "When Mommy calls, you come. Do you understand me, Clare Boyd? When Mommy calls, you come!" I held her close and tight and just kept telling her I loved her and to come when Mommy calls.
Now I find myself searching the Internet for child location devices and no longer laughing at the parents who use them. Maybe, just maybe, I won't ever have to go through that again.