To be fair, I'm a quitter.
So, I've used this little saying for as long as I can remember to justify it. If I haven't wanted to continue to do something over and over and over and over and over and over and...ok, you get the picture, ... well, that's ok because "variety is the spice of life".
Soooo being a quitter is harder to overcome than one might think. It's become some kind of core element in me. The worst part is that I'm not a good quitter like "I quit smoking", which ironically I did many years ago; however, it took me years to do it...so while the final product was good, the process was a serious problem of "I quit....trying". I've picked the "I quit trying" approach more than I care to admit.
I think I get stuck and I get bored and I can't figure out how to get unstuck and un-bored so I just quit, either that or it just gets to hard. Oops, on top of being a quitter I'm also lazy at life.
We've got ourselves a winner folks
Two not fun things to know about myself. Two even more unfun things to change about myself. My behavior works against me at all times. Whew, I even want to quit writing this blog right now - ha! Here's the good thing though, I want to be one of those people that actually gets better as I get older. I can do this, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"!!! (Philippians 4:13 )! I can change and my change can be my variety.
Here's to variety!!!!
Instead of mixing up the things, activities, etc in my life, I've started mixing up my insides (not literally of course cause that would definitely be counter productive). I'm learning how to push through the desire to quit (panting "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" as I run the last half mile). I'm learning how to create entertainment where there isn't any (oh to be silly). I'm learning how to deal with boredom as a time to reflect (who says I don't have enough time for prayer). I'm learning how to focus a little better and to direct my thoughts to happier places when I'm really really ready to quit (boy that running makes it a whole lot easier to get that milkshake and not feel guilty).
The good news is that I'm learning. The bad news is that I'm learning. So, I still falter, A LOT. I still quit all too often and much sooner than I should...but I start back up and that's the change.
anyway, I'm bored with this now.... ha!
SPF 110 and an umbrella hat anyone?
Sigh...
I had to go into the dermatologist today because of all of the years of abuse I've given to the largest organ on my body - no no...not my mouth...my skin.
I got a grim reminder that I should have appreciated my fair skin when I was younger. Instead, I didn't heed any warnings, went to the beach got burned, laid in tanning beds, laid out by the lake, laid out on the boat, laid out on the dock and had absolutely beautiful skin until it all caught up to me. Now I'm not even 32 and I'm a prime candidate for melanoma. Sounds like a party, but it's not. According to my doctor, I should never go more than six months without being checked by a physician, and Mason and I will need to complete monthly checks for the rest of my life. She checked my whole body (that was fun!) and even in my scalp (really, you can get it in your scalp because I can't put sunscreen up there you know?) I felt a little like a monkey being picked for fleas by another monkey - seriously.
I'm kind of bummed out by the news, but don't really know why? It's not as if I didn't know this already. It's why I was there to begin with - I know I have cancery skin. There is a story and a nice big scar on my back to remind me of that. Besides, all she said was that I'm a prime candidate, but didn't say that I have it.
I suppose I thought she would tell me that the last three years of avoiding the sun would be great and that I would have fallen out of that melanoma category. I think that may be why I'm bummed...I can't undo what I've already done. It kind of felt like a prison sentence of the "wait and see what's in store for you" variety. The future with the news I got today...lots of wonderful scars like the big giant neon sign on my back.
Boy, I sure am glad I looked good in that picture when I was 16. hmmm, dripping sarcasm probably won't help matters.
Moving on.....off the point, I'm still running and loving it. I've stalled at the 5K mark. Must start working toward my 10K miles this week. Was only able to complete 2 miles yesterday while pushing Clare in the jog stroller - what a wuss!
I had to go into the dermatologist today because of all of the years of abuse I've given to the largest organ on my body - no no...not my mouth...my skin.
I got a grim reminder that I should have appreciated my fair skin when I was younger. Instead, I didn't heed any warnings, went to the beach got burned, laid in tanning beds, laid out by the lake, laid out on the boat, laid out on the dock and had absolutely beautiful skin until it all caught up to me. Now I'm not even 32 and I'm a prime candidate for melanoma. Sounds like a party, but it's not. According to my doctor, I should never go more than six months without being checked by a physician, and Mason and I will need to complete monthly checks for the rest of my life. She checked my whole body (that was fun!) and even in my scalp (really, you can get it in your scalp because I can't put sunscreen up there you know?) I felt a little like a monkey being picked for fleas by another monkey - seriously.
I'm kind of bummed out by the news, but don't really know why? It's not as if I didn't know this already. It's why I was there to begin with - I know I have cancery skin. There is a story and a nice big scar on my back to remind me of that. Besides, all she said was that I'm a prime candidate, but didn't say that I have it.
I suppose I thought she would tell me that the last three years of avoiding the sun would be great and that I would have fallen out of that melanoma category. I think that may be why I'm bummed...I can't undo what I've already done. It kind of felt like a prison sentence of the "wait and see what's in store for you" variety. The future with the news I got today...lots of wonderful scars like the big giant neon sign on my back.
Boy, I sure am glad I looked good in that picture when I was 16. hmmm, dripping sarcasm probably won't help matters.
Moving on.....off the point, I'm still running and loving it. I've stalled at the 5K mark. Must start working toward my 10K miles this week. Was only able to complete 2 miles yesterday while pushing Clare in the jog stroller - what a wuss!
See what I did?
I am in the battle of my life trying to make sure that Clare grows up feeling loved, respected, appreciated, empowered, safe, whole, intelligent, able, independent, you name it...I'm trying to do it. I hear things other parents say or do and if they hit my ears wrong or make me feel ooky, I make a mental note and literally pray that I won't ever forget how those words or that action made me feel at that moment. I have so few "ooky" feelings from my own childhood, and gratefully they are all from people I have no time or respect for anyway. I want to share that freedom with Clare as she grows.
In this vein, I came home yesterday to find my front porch having been moved around to someone else's liking. At first, I was mad. I couldn't believe someone would have the nerve to suggest that Mason "fix" something that was our effort and that we liked. I was appalled at the nerve, really. Then I realized what I really felt was shame and hurt. It's like the little girl that brings a parent a seemingly simple and unrefined drawing that took her all day to work on. She hands it to her father and says "See what I did?" with pride and hope, and her father never notices the love that went into it, only how it needs to be done in the future so that her drawing is better. All of the love that little girl put into that picture is crumpled on the floor and a wound has been fleshed into her heart by someone who should heal her instead of hurt her. Her safe place is gone.
On a small, but similar scale, I felt this way when I saw my porch changed. The effort we put into making our life beautiful and tasteful was dismissed as if we were just too stupid or ignorant of such "fine" things. We were obviously so ignorant that we couldn't even be tolerated.
It stopped me cold and made me realize a lot of things. For one, I think it will make me kinder with my reaction to any effort that I receive from anyone in the future. Everyone is trying much harder than I realize. Also, It makes me love and appreciate the way my parents have always received me - warts and all as my grandmother said and my mother still says.
Basically it was a great lesson to revisit as an adult to serve as warning for how very fragile we all are inside (no matter how tough we think we are - and I imagine myself to be tough). I hope to apply this to the way I treat Clare as she grows and will "maintenance check" a few areas of my life to make sure I apply it across the board to everyone. But mostly, I realize what an impact fifteen minutes and a stupid and callous lack of respect and appreciation can have on your child.
In this vein, I came home yesterday to find my front porch having been moved around to someone else's liking. At first, I was mad. I couldn't believe someone would have the nerve to suggest that Mason "fix" something that was our effort and that we liked. I was appalled at the nerve, really. Then I realized what I really felt was shame and hurt. It's like the little girl that brings a parent a seemingly simple and unrefined drawing that took her all day to work on. She hands it to her father and says "See what I did?" with pride and hope, and her father never notices the love that went into it, only how it needs to be done in the future so that her drawing is better. All of the love that little girl put into that picture is crumpled on the floor and a wound has been fleshed into her heart by someone who should heal her instead of hurt her. Her safe place is gone.
On a small, but similar scale, I felt this way when I saw my porch changed. The effort we put into making our life beautiful and tasteful was dismissed as if we were just too stupid or ignorant of such "fine" things. We were obviously so ignorant that we couldn't even be tolerated.
It stopped me cold and made me realize a lot of things. For one, I think it will make me kinder with my reaction to any effort that I receive from anyone in the future. Everyone is trying much harder than I realize. Also, It makes me love and appreciate the way my parents have always received me - warts and all as my grandmother said and my mother still says.
Basically it was a great lesson to revisit as an adult to serve as warning for how very fragile we all are inside (no matter how tough we think we are - and I imagine myself to be tough). I hope to apply this to the way I treat Clare as she grows and will "maintenance check" a few areas of my life to make sure I apply it across the board to everyone. But mostly, I realize what an impact fifteen minutes and a stupid and callous lack of respect and appreciation can have on your child.
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