The waves roll up and down and then back out and up and....
This has been an emotionally turbulent week. I thought it was related to our weekend of freedom, but it finally occurred to me that my child has changed this week, very suddenly. She went from being inseparable to pushing away from me at every turn. Very healthy, very normal, very her - the only thing missing is that I was very not ready. My motherhood is the rug that gets ripped out from underneath me whenever I finally get comfortable.. so I am in the process of readjusting.
My disclaimer so you can continue reading regardless of nationality or faith or whether. I’m aware that many people that are familiar to my blog are not Christians. I have never desired to convert people – it makes my Christian friends scowl at me to know this. Sorry. We are all privy to the same information. I cannot explain or tell people why I arrived here, and someone else arrives somewhere else. It is our individual journey that is the mark of who we are. I love you regardless of anything about you, return the favor. I will never judge you based on your choices, or think less of you, or feel sorry for you, or anything else. You are what you are. I am what I am. Are we square?
So…..may I just tell you what you don’t do?
You don’t exclaim dramatically that you’re drowning in mediocrity in a blog. Apparently, God reads blogs. He also knows the a “full on self” pity party is put to an end when you take the focus off of your boredom and put it squarely on REAL need. What an f-in world I live in where I have the luxury to be so insular. Jeez.
So, within a day of writing that little one liner above, I get a random email from someone who doesn’t know me well to call another someone I don’t know at all. This someone I don’t know is involved with an orphan ministry in her church; she’s specifically involved with a project to help an orphanage in the Dominican Republic. She tried Haiti, but it’s just politically such a dangerous environment that they couldn’t get in. Anyway, the person who sent the email to call the person I don’t know, remembered my impassioned plea in our church for people to donate money to the World Food Programme for Haiti. If you’re not aware, there were (still are) reports coming out of the country that mothers are having to decide which of their children live or die because they cannot feed them. I die each time I say this, write this, read this sentence. Donate to the World Food Programme – the link is one of mine on this blog. Ten dollars will help. Especially if ten people give ten dollars. (Ok, sorry for the pitch, but if you ate breakfast or lunch out today, then you can give up a meal or two to help those in real need who may have only eaten one meal today if any).
Back to my blog. So I called this person I didn’t know, this is still a mystery as to how I called her, but I called her. We met today at 11:00 for coffee. I might as well have known the woman I didn’t know three hours ago all of my life. We have something in common – we are here on this earth to take care of others, specifically children. When she pulled her bombshell out of her bag about the church is failing because of the enormous amounts of money and resources directed toward anti-abortion efforts when we should be taking care of the children who are already here and abandoned, in need, in the foster system, etc, I almost asked her to marry me (except that would be weird, and not legal yet, and I’m already married). I was like, “Oh my gosh, there are others in the world that think like this?” We talked for a really long time. It will lead to more talking and we’ll see where I am moved to act. I am patiently praying through this newness right now and just kind of in awe. She gave me a book to read, Fields of the Fatherless. I'll let you know what I read.
All of this to say, I withdraw the previous post. I admit, I am still no more mature at times than a 2 year old child who has all of her toys and wants more without regard to the needs of those around her.
“…for in you the fatherless find compassion.” Hosea 14:3
So…..may I just tell you what you don’t do?
You don’t exclaim dramatically that you’re drowning in mediocrity in a blog. Apparently, God reads blogs. He also knows the a “full on self” pity party is put to an end when you take the focus off of your boredom and put it squarely on REAL need. What an f-in world I live in where I have the luxury to be so insular. Jeez.
So, within a day of writing that little one liner above, I get a random email from someone who doesn’t know me well to call another someone I don’t know at all. This someone I don’t know is involved with an orphan ministry in her church; she’s specifically involved with a project to help an orphanage in the Dominican Republic. She tried Haiti, but it’s just politically such a dangerous environment that they couldn’t get in. Anyway, the person who sent the email to call the person I don’t know, remembered my impassioned plea in our church for people to donate money to the World Food Programme for Haiti. If you’re not aware, there were (still are) reports coming out of the country that mothers are having to decide which of their children live or die because they cannot feed them. I die each time I say this, write this, read this sentence. Donate to the World Food Programme – the link is one of mine on this blog. Ten dollars will help. Especially if ten people give ten dollars. (Ok, sorry for the pitch, but if you ate breakfast or lunch out today, then you can give up a meal or two to help those in real need who may have only eaten one meal today if any).
Back to my blog. So I called this person I didn’t know, this is still a mystery as to how I called her, but I called her. We met today at 11:00 for coffee. I might as well have known the woman I didn’t know three hours ago all of my life. We have something in common – we are here on this earth to take care of others, specifically children. When she pulled her bombshell out of her bag about the church is failing because of the enormous amounts of money and resources directed toward anti-abortion efforts when we should be taking care of the children who are already here and abandoned, in need, in the foster system, etc, I almost asked her to marry me (except that would be weird, and not legal yet, and I’m already married). I was like, “Oh my gosh, there are others in the world that think like this?” We talked for a really long time. It will lead to more talking and we’ll see where I am moved to act. I am patiently praying through this newness right now and just kind of in awe. She gave me a book to read, Fields of the Fatherless. I'll let you know what I read.
All of this to say, I withdraw the previous post. I admit, I am still no more mature at times than a 2 year old child who has all of her toys and wants more without regard to the needs of those around her.
“…for in you the fatherless find compassion.” Hosea 14:3
Look Mom!
Clare and I baked our first birthday cake together this weekend. Can I just please tell you how cute the girl is? She stood next too me with her big girl eyes and her little girl body and was excited. I don't mean kind of enthusiastic, I mean excited. She helped me pour and count out the exact number of eggs that we needed. Together we checked our list twice to make sure we had all of our ingredients measured out, then she dutifully repeated each word and pointed at each item as I checked it off. When it was time, she helped me stir the batter before using the mixer(and did a really great job I might add); she got to lick the beaters while I poured the cake into the cake pan; she got the first piece of it once it was finished baking (from the bottom of the cake of course, where I could hide the hole); finally, she helped me ice and decorate it. The icing was by far the best. She ate about half of the container of icing and what she didn't manage to get in her mouth, she got on her hands, shirt, hair and feet (oh, and on me, too). It was so much fun. I laughed through most of it (along with the occasional admonishment of "don't do that"). When we were finished, I couldn't WAIT to take that cake to my mother. I had a "Look Mom!" moment at 32 years old and it felt great. Mason had captured the icing process through film and video. It's been years since I've been that excited to get to my mom's house with a gift, but those pictures and that video were worthy of the excitement.
While she was still trying to ice the cake, before the first taste
Yeah - so much for icing the cake
Totally taking the credit for the finished product
All of this made me remember the times I stood in a chair next to my mother making cookies or cakes or desserts of all kinds. It always felt so good to be so near her. She was always happiest when she was in the kitchen. I can't remember the words, but I can even recall her voice while we did these things together. I loved her so big and all I wanted was to grow up to be just exactly like her. I have to wonder if Clare will remember her times with me as well and with as much joy, and I have to hope that I can provide many more of them for her to enjoy with me (just in case it only sticks in your memory when fully developed through repetition, or maybe just because it was so much fun that I selfishly can't wait to do it again).
While she was still trying to ice the cake, before the first taste
Yeah - so much for icing the cake
Totally taking the credit for the finished product
All of this made me remember the times I stood in a chair next to my mother making cookies or cakes or desserts of all kinds. It always felt so good to be so near her. She was always happiest when she was in the kitchen. I can't remember the words, but I can even recall her voice while we did these things together. I loved her so big and all I wanted was to grow up to be just exactly like her. I have to wonder if Clare will remember her times with me as well and with as much joy, and I have to hope that I can provide many more of them for her to enjoy with me (just in case it only sticks in your memory when fully developed through repetition, or maybe just because it was so much fun that I selfishly can't wait to do it again).
Very long, very real, very me
I have been witness to no less than three miracles in the past two weeks. I share because I want to, because I am delighted, because I am jumping for joy inside and I must share my good news, not because I am trying to convince anyone to believe me.
Miracle One.
Mason has struggled for almost two full months with whether or not to move forward with his own business or to stay with Closet Tailors and move forward with the owner. When I say struggle, I mean agonized, prayed, discussed, debated, and fell just short of my saying, JUST MAKE A DECISION FOR PETE’S SAKE. For two months, it looked like God was really providing him with opportunity after opportunity for his own business to grow and he had people telling him to move on from Closet Tailors and move into his business. But…he waited. He continued to pray and ask for direction. He continued to talk openly and honestly with the owner of Closet Tailors. He continued to deliberate. He waited for an answer from God. He knew it would come if he just waited for it. It came blindingly fast. In one week, the owner and Mason laid out a new direction for Mason’s path with the company, he found out the other guy working with him would be moving on from Closet Tailors into another job, the PAC program of Alabama fell apart (this directly impacted the one HUGE job he had on the table for his own business because the family has three children and two of them about to enter college with that failed program as their college savings plan), and a friend he worked with long ago gave him a call about needing employment for two of the guys in his shop that he couldn’t keep because business had decreased. In the span of three days, and in this exact order, God had answered him. I would chalk it up to coincidence, but the exactness of the numbers doesn’t lie.
Miracle Two.
We’ve been trying to figure out how to pay for Mason’s business taxes. We’re ok financially like most people, but I don’t think many people can fork out a lot of money at one time and it not have a fairly large impact on their day-to-day life. Well, we got bonuses at work this year (that should be the miracle, but it just doesn’t stop there). Usually we are given the majority of our bonus in stock and have to wait to sell it. It takes a few weeks to get the certificate. It takes a few weeks after quarter close once you get it to get an open trading window to sell it. It takes a few weeks to get the check after you sell the stock. It’s been this way for eight years without deviation. Of course, with the stock market as disheveled as it’s been, there is no telling what the actual bonus would have been worth by the time I was able to sell it some time in May. You know what happened this year? We got cash bonuses. No, I’m not kidding. Really! We still got a small portion of stock, but the majority of it was in cold hard cash available today, not a month after April 15th when taxes would be due. It’s the amount that is so peculiar. The exact amount received minus taxes paid on the bonus itself is surprisingly close to the exact amount we needed to do this and one other thing causing us worry.
Miracle Three.
Notice, if this hadn’t happened to me, I don’t know that I would have believed it myself. I’m a skeptic. Anyway, back to miracle three. I woke up this morning wide awake at 4:00 this morning. Frankly, this just does not happen to me. I am a sleeper. I love to sleep and much as possible. So, I woke up and I’m tossing and turning and snuggling and flipping covers off and adjusting pillows trying go back to sleep. Eighteen minutes later, I continue to be awake and finally get still. Then I hear it in my head. Get up! It’s time to do your Bible study. Strangely I responded with, I’m really tired, do I have to? Besides, I don’t have a study book. What good would it do? Then I stopped and looked around and thought, Oh my gosh, I’m crazy and hearing voices in my head. Crap. This is what crazy sounds like…great, just what I needed. Did I really hear anything or was it some kind of imaginary/sleep induced thing? I don’t think I’ll get up since I don’t want to be crazy. I heard the words again, very clearly, followed by the directions to go out to the car and get the purple binder and what I needed would be in there. What I needed? Well at this point I knew I wasn’t talking to myself and I knew I wouldn’t tell myself to get out of bed twice, and I knew I hadn’t touched that binder for two days or given it any thought for more than to carry it into Wednesday night church and then out of church Wednesday night after Wednesday night. Most of all, I knew for fact that I wouldn’t even in the best of circumstances tell myself to walk out in the cold, dark morning at four thirty to get a million dollars, much less a purple binder with something I needed in it. Needless to say, I got up and did the single most important thing I do all day, which is to turn the coffee pot on. Then, I went out to the car to get the purple binder. I came back inside and couldn’t remember where my Bible was, thought about it, remembered, then had to go back outside to get my Bible which is in the trunk of the car and has been for about a month. All of this to point out, I’m not a religious zealot; this was all REALLY out of character for me considering I haven’t done a morning bible study in over three months. The voice was very right. What I needed was on a blue sheet of paper from a session about three weeks ago that I never even glanced at. To explain in a nutshell, it was a lesson related to Sara, which reads about how God uses our weakness to demonstrate his promise and strength through us. That our whole existence is meaningful, not a multitude of punishments. I must admit like Sara, I have felt defective from a very young age. Circumstances beyond my control started that ball rolling, and the feelings have multiplied over and over due to newer circumstances and people and even decisions that I’ve made in my life. This morning, God saw straight into that place and quietly spoke to me saying, you don’t have to feel this way anymore. Listen to My Words; hear them in this quiet moment when the world is asleep; Look at them again with open eyes. Look at what you are to me, what you mean to me, at exactly who I meant for you to be. You are not defective or broken or worthless at all - you are Mine, and meaningful, and I love you just like this. The feelings that came next were overwhelming. I’ve spent the better part of 30 years developing this self condemnation and loathing. In one second, a single second, it was gone. I’m crying still. I can’t stop. I can’t explain what it’s like to be free from this. Not kind of free, not feeling better about it or working toward resolution. Free. In one quiet, crazy, moment.
I wouldn’t have written this blog before today. I wouldn’t have dared sound so crazy. Today, I’m honored to know the presence of God in my life and to have felt it so personally.
Miracle One.
Mason has struggled for almost two full months with whether or not to move forward with his own business or to stay with Closet Tailors and move forward with the owner. When I say struggle, I mean agonized, prayed, discussed, debated, and fell just short of my saying, JUST MAKE A DECISION FOR PETE’S SAKE. For two months, it looked like God was really providing him with opportunity after opportunity for his own business to grow and he had people telling him to move on from Closet Tailors and move into his business. But…he waited. He continued to pray and ask for direction. He continued to talk openly and honestly with the owner of Closet Tailors. He continued to deliberate. He waited for an answer from God. He knew it would come if he just waited for it. It came blindingly fast. In one week, the owner and Mason laid out a new direction for Mason’s path with the company, he found out the other guy working with him would be moving on from Closet Tailors into another job, the PAC program of Alabama fell apart (this directly impacted the one HUGE job he had on the table for his own business because the family has three children and two of them about to enter college with that failed program as their college savings plan), and a friend he worked with long ago gave him a call about needing employment for two of the guys in his shop that he couldn’t keep because business had decreased. In the span of three days, and in this exact order, God had answered him. I would chalk it up to coincidence, but the exactness of the numbers doesn’t lie.
Miracle Two.
We’ve been trying to figure out how to pay for Mason’s business taxes. We’re ok financially like most people, but I don’t think many people can fork out a lot of money at one time and it not have a fairly large impact on their day-to-day life. Well, we got bonuses at work this year (that should be the miracle, but it just doesn’t stop there). Usually we are given the majority of our bonus in stock and have to wait to sell it. It takes a few weeks to get the certificate. It takes a few weeks after quarter close once you get it to get an open trading window to sell it. It takes a few weeks to get the check after you sell the stock. It’s been this way for eight years without deviation. Of course, with the stock market as disheveled as it’s been, there is no telling what the actual bonus would have been worth by the time I was able to sell it some time in May. You know what happened this year? We got cash bonuses. No, I’m not kidding. Really! We still got a small portion of stock, but the majority of it was in cold hard cash available today, not a month after April 15th when taxes would be due. It’s the amount that is so peculiar. The exact amount received minus taxes paid on the bonus itself is surprisingly close to the exact amount we needed to do this and one other thing causing us worry.
Miracle Three.
Notice, if this hadn’t happened to me, I don’t know that I would have believed it myself. I’m a skeptic. Anyway, back to miracle three. I woke up this morning wide awake at 4:00 this morning. Frankly, this just does not happen to me. I am a sleeper. I love to sleep and much as possible. So, I woke up and I’m tossing and turning and snuggling and flipping covers off and adjusting pillows trying go back to sleep. Eighteen minutes later, I continue to be awake and finally get still. Then I hear it in my head. Get up! It’s time to do your Bible study. Strangely I responded with, I’m really tired, do I have to? Besides, I don’t have a study book. What good would it do? Then I stopped and looked around and thought, Oh my gosh, I’m crazy and hearing voices in my head. Crap. This is what crazy sounds like…great, just what I needed. Did I really hear anything or was it some kind of imaginary/sleep induced thing? I don’t think I’ll get up since I don’t want to be crazy. I heard the words again, very clearly, followed by the directions to go out to the car and get the purple binder and what I needed would be in there. What I needed? Well at this point I knew I wasn’t talking to myself and I knew I wouldn’t tell myself to get out of bed twice, and I knew I hadn’t touched that binder for two days or given it any thought for more than to carry it into Wednesday night church and then out of church Wednesday night after Wednesday night. Most of all, I knew for fact that I wouldn’t even in the best of circumstances tell myself to walk out in the cold, dark morning at four thirty to get a million dollars, much less a purple binder with something I needed in it. Needless to say, I got up and did the single most important thing I do all day, which is to turn the coffee pot on. Then, I went out to the car to get the purple binder. I came back inside and couldn’t remember where my Bible was, thought about it, remembered, then had to go back outside to get my Bible which is in the trunk of the car and has been for about a month. All of this to point out, I’m not a religious zealot; this was all REALLY out of character for me considering I haven’t done a morning bible study in over three months. The voice was very right. What I needed was on a blue sheet of paper from a session about three weeks ago that I never even glanced at. To explain in a nutshell, it was a lesson related to Sara, which reads about how God uses our weakness to demonstrate his promise and strength through us. That our whole existence is meaningful, not a multitude of punishments. I must admit like Sara, I have felt defective from a very young age. Circumstances beyond my control started that ball rolling, and the feelings have multiplied over and over due to newer circumstances and people and even decisions that I’ve made in my life. This morning, God saw straight into that place and quietly spoke to me saying, you don’t have to feel this way anymore. Listen to My Words; hear them in this quiet moment when the world is asleep; Look at them again with open eyes. Look at what you are to me, what you mean to me, at exactly who I meant for you to be. You are not defective or broken or worthless at all - you are Mine, and meaningful, and I love you just like this. The feelings that came next were overwhelming. I’ve spent the better part of 30 years developing this self condemnation and loathing. In one second, a single second, it was gone. I’m crying still. I can’t stop. I can’t explain what it’s like to be free from this. Not kind of free, not feeling better about it or working toward resolution. Free. In one quiet, crazy, moment.
I wouldn’t have written this blog before today. I wouldn’t have dared sound so crazy. Today, I’m honored to know the presence of God in my life and to have felt it so personally.
Actual Conversation This Morning...
Clare was crying and wanting her baba (pacifier to those of you not living in our house - don't look at me like that, she made up the word, not us). I looked straight into her face and said "I have to tell you the truth Clare, the baba fairy came and got it this morning before you woke up. She'll bring it back tonight before you go to bed."
Mason just looked at me, "You have to tell her the truth huh?"
I think as parents we're so under prepared for the task at hand that it's a miracle that any child grows up with a decent set of morals and the ability to navigate the world we live in without believing that there are imaginary beings awaiting them with every malicious purpose around each and every corner.
Mason just looked at me, "You have to tell her the truth huh?"
I think as parents we're so under prepared for the task at hand that it's a miracle that any child grows up with a decent set of morals and the ability to navigate the world we live in without believing that there are imaginary beings awaiting them with every malicious purpose around each and every corner.
I had that morning this morning. That parent morning that moves in slow motion, but the clock is in fast forward. Tic-toc-tic-toc. It was a hectic morning where I was up working at 5:30 to fix something and Mason was unexpectedly called in early because one of the guys was sick. We were already late for a regular morning, and Mason still had to get the cat out to the vet (20 minutes away) for his scheduled nutectomy and rabies shot. Poor Clare. She woke up with her precious smile and desired our attention and we did everything we could to put her on “snooze”. We sat her on the couch with her waffle and her chocolate milk and her cartoons while the two of us rushed. No time for her this morning. Just time enough to take care of her physical needs, you know food, shower, but rush rush rush…everything was “hurry this, and hurry that.” No time for her playful needs or her smiles. “Come on Clare, let’s go, help Mommy out here.” I’m literally and figuratively at my wits end trying to get out of the house on time because I have a 4:30 hair appointment and lord knows I’m not giving that up (can you say desperately misguided priorities). So I rush my daughter over something stupid and unimportant. I pull her pants down for her to have a last minute teetee before we go to school. Any guesses what I found? She had peed in her pants. In my mind I lost my cool for a second. I stared down at the floor and her bare bottom and raised my hand to pop her, and I watched my hand move closer to her bottom. Then something stopped me. I think it was God. I don’t want to hit my child – at all – but much less over a little teetee in some pants on a morning where she needed my attention and this was her only way to get it. I didn’t pop her little precious bottom because we truly do want to be a no-hit family (and she’s just so cute). But I was still mad, I barked and growled at her about how she knows how to use the bathroom in the potty, yada yada yada…I stomped around to get her clean underpants and barked and growled some more because of her defiant behavior earlier that morning and how this and that and this and that. Tell me, at this point, who sounds more like the 2 year old?
So, we were not ok from that point forward, she was really quiet and confused and I was just rushing in a bad mood now. I got us both in the car and said something about stop tee teeing in your pants, blah blah blah, and then I turned on the news and we rode school and work in silence. This is not the way we go to school. We’re always singing, laughing, talking…this is not us. When we got to school, my most precious beautiful little girl looked at me sheepishly and said, “Mommy happy?” Oh my gosh, I’m such an asshole. I just started crying. “Yes baby, Mommy happy.” I probably hugged her a little too often, hung around a little longer than necessary at school and called to reschedule my hair appointment. She and I are going out tonight – to get ice cream.
I don’t hide my ugly, I put it out there for everyone to see. I do it because I think we’re all ugly inside and I wish we had the courage to admit it so we could learn from it and let go of it. I’m ashamed that I’m not perfect, I think this is normal…I think in some ways we all think we should be? Who knows why, maybe because we had mean old mommies who told us not to pee in our pants because it’s gross (only kidding here of course). I will say that I prayed after all this a prayer of thanks for God exposing this in me and I prayer requesting that God heal in me whatever made that behavior a possibility. I also think I would like for him to show me how to think through a situation to it's solution before the problem arises - I'm notoriously short sighted when I'm frustrated. I bet tomorrow morning, I make time for Clare and hopefully every morning after that. I can't change unexpected surprises - I can change my reaction.
Yesterday
I need to be mushy for a moment. I need to write and feel mushy things about my family, my perfect, amazing family. If you get to choose your heaven when you die, then I will want mine to be to relive our life together from start to finish over and over and over.
I have a new favorite memory of the three of us burned into my mind from yesterday. We had gone downtown for dinner and Clare and I were chasing Mason afterward with something gross looking we found on her sleeve (turned out to be the new glow in the dark play doh we bought her, but it looked like doodoo until I could see it in the light). I was carrying her Superman style, she was trying to grab Mace to "get him", and Mason was really running to avoid getting the goo on him (no, I mean, really running away...it was awesome). The three of us were giggling and laughing and squealing with that kind of giggle and laugh and squeal that you only hear when there is sincere joy being shared. It felt like being a kid again. It was magic. They are magic. I am grateful to know these moments and how they feel.
I hope you find magic in your moments today.
I have a new favorite memory of the three of us burned into my mind from yesterday. We had gone downtown for dinner and Clare and I were chasing Mason afterward with something gross looking we found on her sleeve (turned out to be the new glow in the dark play doh we bought her, but it looked like doodoo until I could see it in the light). I was carrying her Superman style, she was trying to grab Mace to "get him", and Mason was really running to avoid getting the goo on him (no, I mean, really running away...it was awesome). The three of us were giggling and laughing and squealing with that kind of giggle and laugh and squeal that you only hear when there is sincere joy being shared. It felt like being a kid again. It was magic. They are magic. I am grateful to know these moments and how they feel.
I hope you find magic in your moments today.
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